Rediscovering Me.

Life has a funny way of never slowing down or stopping. It doesn’t matter if there is a pandemic shutting the world down or if your heart is breaking. Every day the sun is going to set and rise again the next morning. I actually very rarely get on my computer these days since I have the entire world at my finger tips with my phone, but there is something about typing out the past 8 months of your life that a cellphone keyboard just can’t cut it. So when I got this bad boy all charged up and popped open the laptop, a familiar, yet distance face was actually staring back at me. It was my own face, tear stricken, red nosed, way too skinny self. It was from a video I had recorded of myself a week after Nathan and I broke up. And whether or not I should have, I sat there and watched the 10 minutes and 42 seconds of my grief engulfed self. It’s strange, reflecting on a time that I never thought I would heal from, never thought I would recover from the hurt and pain that was surrounding me. And while I had a little ping of pain from remember those sleepless nights, the days that I went without eating, where I literally thought hope was gone, I mostly felt sad for the girl who had ever flowing tears. I feel sad for the girl who thought life was never going to get better. I feel sad, knowing how unloveable she felt in that moment. That girl staring back at me was almost a stranger to my new self, and I felt so sad knowing how heartbroken she was. But that was no stranger at all. That was me, that pain was so real and raw and unbelievably difficult to live through. I had to live through the heartache though. No matter how many people told me how many times that things would get better, they were not able to get better until I lived through the grief I needed to live through. I am happy to say that after I finished watching myself for a painful 10 minutes, I reflected briefly on the memories that were just provoked, and the video was deleted. Forever erased. Of course it will never be fully gone, and I think of piece of heartbreak will always slightly linger in the depths of my mind, but it will never have to be something I accidentally stumble upon again.