Happy Birthday Bodhi Boy.

7 pounds, 3 ounces. 19 3/4 inches long. 6:02 pm. One year ago you were placed into my arms after 17 hours of labor and my whole world forever changed. You were my little miracle baby. The baby that I fought for. I didn’t realize how much I could love something until you came along. And at that moment, I knew how much you would need me, but I never realized how much I needed you.

To Him.

I’ve sat here staring at this page for hours, weeks, months, and every time I feel like I have something to type out, my fingers freeze and the words escape me. The truth is, I don’t think he ever appreciated the painful beauty of our journey. I don’t think he liked the openness of our struggle, the visibility of it all. And not like it really matters anymore, but I know he wouldn’t want me to share what life the past 6 months with him has been like. I guess a part of me also doesn’t want to share while another part is screaming to let the monster out. So I will keep this brief.

Heigh-Ho, Heigh-Ho, It’s Back to Work I Go

Time flies when you are having fun- and when you have a baby.  I can’t believe that my 12 weeks of maternity leave is officially over, and come Monday, I will be a working momma.  I always figured I would be dying to go back to work.  I’ve had a job since I was 14 years old, it’s what I’m used to. But now that Bodhi is here, I feel an overwhelming sense of anxiety, sadness, and the good old mom guilt of going back to work. Not only that, but living in sweatpants is a glorious thing, and not a single pair of my dress slacks even fit this post baby bod.

Being a Mom.

I feel like this is going to be a roller coaster of emotions- so bear with me on this one!  Let’s start with the main attraction- Mr. Bodhi!

I LOVE being a mom.  6 weeks ago, my world was forever changed when a special little boy was placed into my arms. He is seriously my pride and joy and I don’t think I could ever love anything as much as I love him.  Even in the middle of the night or through the tears and ear piercing cry, he is my everything.  I’m torn though, because all I want to do is just stare at him, but a lot of times I find myself watching him through my phone.  I try to capture as many moments as I can, every smile and frown and silly face he makes.  But when he looks back at me, he sees the back of my phone, and I really don’t like living through my phone screen.  I need to learn to just soak up the moments and capture the memories in my mind.  It won’t kill me not to have every second of every day captured in a photograph. Bodhi does get his picture taken every single day in his crib though, and I plan on making a time lapse of him growing throughout his first year of life 🙂

Welcome to the World Bodhi Gene

For 966 days, we waited, prayed, hoped, and dreamed that you would be a part of our world. Many of those days filled with tears and pain, but now looking back, none of that matters.  You were created 315 days ago, in a lab.  You were returned home a short time after that. And now you are here, and you have wiped all of the pain and sorrow from the past 2.5 years away from my heart.

Welcome to the World, my son, Bodhi Gene.

Being Happy

Once again, too long of a time span has gone by between my last post and now. I was so excited for this to turn from an infertility blog to a pregnancy blog, and well, I guess I’m just not that good at that.  I think the thing is, I don’t know how to express being happy. I never considered myself a “good writer” by any means, and you can look at all of the standardized tests that I took throughout my years, english was by far my worst score.  But what I did like writing, and what I feel like personally I was good at, was capturing my emotions and how I felt through the process of infertility. I like to joke that I’m just not good at being happy.

Bodhi Gene

Too many days have passed between my last blog entry and this one, which I feel shouldn’t have been the case.  The last entry got a lot of people talking, on all ends of the spectrum: good, bad, positive, negative, hateful, encouraging. I will address that blog entry, and do a follow up of it if you will, however, first and foremost, I would like to give you all a proper introduction to my son- Bodhi Gene.

To My Son.

This entry is going to get real, real fast. If this blog ever shows up in 10 or 15 years, my dearest son, my first born child, I am sorry.

I have always dreamed of having a little girl. I have boxes and buckets full of Barbies, and old stuffed animals, and pink little tykes toys. I know about dresses, and dolls, and how to French braid. I don’t know how to be a boy mom. I don’t want to be a boy mom. At least, I wanted to be a little girls mom first. And my heart hurts. It hurts for myself, and for this child that I kept dreaming you were. But most importantly, it hurts for you, my son. It hurts because I’m afraid I’m not going to love you like I should. That I will always wish you were a child that you were not meant to be.

About Time.

This is probably the most over-due entry I have ever written.  There are so many things I want to start with, and I have a feeling this will be a long entry – so hang with me! There were several times I started an entry the past few months, but it just didn’t feel like me writing it.  I didn’t know how to write without letting everyone know I was pregnant, so I felt it was just best to stay a little quiet during that time.

The Little Embryos That Could

Well, the egg retrieval is now completed and we have 4 frozen embryos who are waiting to meet us.  I knew this process, this whole process of IVF, was going to be hard, but some days I just don’t feel like I’m prepared for it.  Up until about a week ago, I felt stress free.  Our numbers were looking great, I really wasn’t having any symptoms from the medications.  Things were easy.  And then like a ton of bricks, the stress hit out of no where.