Being a Mom.

I feel like this is going to be a roller coaster of emotions- so bear with me on this one!  Let’s start with the main attraction- Mr. Bodhi!

I LOVE being a mom.  6 weeks ago, my world was forever changed when a special little boy was placed into my arms. He is seriously my pride and joy and I don’t think I could ever love anything as much as I love him.  Even in the middle of the night or through the tears and ear piercing cry, he is my everything.  I’m torn though, because all I want to do is just stare at him, but a lot of times I find myself watching him through my phone.  I try to capture as many moments as I can, every smile and frown and silly face he makes.  But when he looks back at me, he sees the back of my phone, and I really don’t like living through my phone screen.  I need to learn to just soak up the moments and capture the memories in my mind.  It won’t kill me not to have every second of every day captured in a photograph. Bodhi does get his picture taken every single day in his crib though, and I plan on making a time lapse of him growing throughout his first year of life 🙂

Welcome to the World Bodhi Gene

For 966 days, we waited, prayed, hoped, and dreamed that you would be a part of our world. Many of those days filled with tears and pain, but now looking back, none of that matters.  You were created 315 days ago, in a lab.  You were returned home a short time after that. And now you are here, and you have wiped all of the pain and sorrow from the past 2.5 years away from my heart.

Welcome to the World, my son, Bodhi Gene.

Being Happy

Once again, too long of a time span has gone by between my last post and now. I was so excited for this to turn from an infertility blog to a pregnancy blog, and well, I guess I’m just not that good at that.  I think the thing is, I don’t know how to express being happy. I never considered myself a “good writer” by any means, and you can look at all of the standardized tests that I took throughout my years, english was by far my worst score.  But what I did like writing, and what I feel like personally I was good at, was capturing my emotions and how I felt through the process of infertility. I like to joke that I’m just not good at being happy.

Bodhi Gene

Too many days have passed between my last blog entry and this one, which I feel shouldn’t have been the case.  The last entry got a lot of people talking, on all ends of the spectrum: good, bad, positive, negative, hateful, encouraging. I will address that blog entry, and do a follow up of it if you will, however, first and foremost, I would like to give you all a proper introduction to my son- Bodhi Gene.

To My Son.

This entry is going to get real, real fast. If this blog ever shows up in 10 or 15 years, my dearest son, my first born child, I am sorry.

I have always dreamed of having a little girl. I have boxes and buckets full of Barbies, and old stuffed animals, and pink little tykes toys. I know about dresses, and dolls, and how to French braid. I don’t know how to be a boy mom. I don’t want to be a boy mom. At least, I wanted to be a little girls mom first. And my heart hurts. It hurts for myself, and for this child that I kept dreaming you were. But most importantly, it hurts for you, my son. It hurts because I’m afraid I’m not going to love you like I should. That I will always wish you were a child that you were not meant to be.

About Time.

This is probably the most over-due entry I have ever written.  There are so many things I want to start with, and I have a feeling this will be a long entry – so hang with me! There were several times I started an entry the past few months, but it just didn’t feel like me writing it.  I didn’t know how to write without letting everyone know I was pregnant, so I felt it was just best to stay a little quiet during that time.

The Little Embryos That Could

Well, the egg retrieval is now completed and we have 4 frozen embryos who are waiting to meet us.  I knew this process, this whole process of IVF, was going to be hard, but some days I just don’t feel like I’m prepared for it.  Up until about a week ago, I felt stress free.  Our numbers were looking great, I really wasn’t having any symptoms from the medications.  Things were easy.  And then like a ton of bricks, the stress hit out of no where.

Let the Games Begin

Last thursday, I had my first baseline sonogram, marking the beginning of our IVF journey. When the doctor came in, she asked me if I was excited to get the process started, and honestly, I had no idea what to say.  I have never felt so bi-polar in my entire life.  It’s gotten to the point where I have to warn Jason a head of time if I’m in a happy, excited, optimistic mood, or if I’m just going to spend the day completely bumming out.

Silver Linings.

 

What an extreme roller coaster of life we have been on the past couple of weeks.  I really don’t know where to begin; the good, the bad, the in-between. I have a feeling this will be a long post, so stick with me on this one.

So any one who has watched the Walking Dead knows that once a character starts having dreams in life, they are doomed.  Oh sure Noah, you want to be an architect? Well too bad for you, zombies ripped your face off.  Deanna, you want to make Alexandria a better, sustainable place?  Eaten by zombies. Denise, you finally want to man up, be a doctor, and learn to fight zombies after giving a motivational speech?  Shot in the head with an arrow. It’s like all you have in the world is just to wake up, eat, fight off some walkers, and go back to bed.  Whats the point of having dreams, goals, things you look forward to?

Third Times a Charm?

And so, the two-week wait begins.  We did our third (and hopefully final IUI) last week.  So far, everything is looking great!  Jason’s numbers just keep going up, my body always reacts really well to the medicines and I have two mature follicles ready to go, and overall I’m just happy. The NP from the reproductive clinic wants me to take progesterone with this cycle, so in case a pregnancy happens, I will be on that med until 10 weeks.  If not, well then we will start over.