Being a Mom.

I feel like this is going to be a roller coaster of emotions- so bear with me on this one!  Let’s start with the main attraction- Mr. Bodhi!

I LOVE being a mom.  6 weeks ago, my world was forever changed when a special little boy was placed into my arms. He is seriously my pride and joy and I don’t think I could ever love anything as much as I love him.  Even in the middle of the night or through the tears and ear piercing cry, he is my everything.  I’m torn though, because all I want to do is just stare at him, but a lot of times I find myself watching him through my phone.  I try to capture as many moments as I can, every smile and frown and silly face he makes.  But when he looks back at me, he sees the back of my phone, and I really don’t like living through my phone screen.  I need to learn to just soak up the moments and capture the memories in my mind.  It won’t kill me not to have every second of every day captured in a photograph. Bodhi does get his picture taken every single day in his crib though, and I plan on making a time lapse of him growing throughout his first year of life 🙂

About Time.

This is probably the most over-due entry I have ever written.  There are so many things I want to start with, and I have a feeling this will be a long entry – so hang with me! There were several times I started an entry the past few months, but it just didn’t feel like me writing it.  I didn’t know how to write without letting everyone know I was pregnant, so I felt it was just best to stay a little quiet during that time.

The Little Embryos That Could

Well, the egg retrieval is now completed and we have 4 frozen embryos who are waiting to meet us.  I knew this process, this whole process of IVF, was going to be hard, but some days I just don’t feel like I’m prepared for it.  Up until about a week ago, I felt stress free.  Our numbers were looking great, I really wasn’t having any symptoms from the medications.  Things were easy.  And then like a ton of bricks, the stress hit out of no where.

May the Odds Be Ever in Our Favor

It’s crazy to think that as of yesterday, we are done with all of our “stim” shots, and will only be left with our trigger shot tonight and our egg retrieval on Wednesday!  I still don’t think I’ve fully wrapped my head around the idea of doing IVF.  Up to this point in time, I really haven’t felt stressed, had relatively no side affects of the stim meds that I read all about, and in just a few short days will have embryos growing.  Embryos that will one day turn into babies. And I truly do feel blessed.

Let the Games Begin

Last thursday, I had my first baseline sonogram, marking the beginning of our IVF journey. When the doctor came in, she asked me if I was excited to get the process started, and honestly, I had no idea what to say.  I have never felt so bi-polar in my entire life.  It’s gotten to the point where I have to warn Jason a head of time if I’m in a happy, excited, optimistic mood, or if I’m just going to spend the day completely bumming out.

Three Little Letters

I never mean to wait so long between posts, but for a while I really didn’t have much to write.  And now, I have tons.

One year ago, Jason and I met the the infertility specialists and we went through our situation.  At that time, it appeared like IUI’s were the best bet and we were told “You probably won’t need to look into IVF”, but we quickly skimmed the details of it all just for kicks.  Just last May after our miscarriage, we were still told that IUI is a good option and we probably didn’t need to look at IVF since we know I could in fact get pregnant.  But things never go as planned.

This is what infertility looks like.

Infertility. Defined as the inability to conceive a child after ONE year of trying if you are under the age of 35, and 6 months if you are 35 and older.  To those of us who have gone through infertility, it looks different to everyone.  Some women try to surround themselves with as many children as possible, while some would rather not.  Some women  throw themselves into religion, and some blame God for all that has happened to them.  The thing is, every one is going to accept their infertility differently.  For me, this is what infertility looks like.

Silver Linings.

 

What an extreme roller coaster of life we have been on the past couple of weeks.  I really don’t know where to begin; the good, the bad, the in-between. I have a feeling this will be a long post, so stick with me on this one.

So any one who has watched the Walking Dead knows that once a character starts having dreams in life, they are doomed.  Oh sure Noah, you want to be an architect? Well too bad for you, zombies ripped your face off.  Deanna, you want to make Alexandria a better, sustainable place?  Eaten by zombies. Denise, you finally want to man up, be a doctor, and learn to fight zombies after giving a motivational speech?  Shot in the head with an arrow. It’s like all you have in the world is just to wake up, eat, fight off some walkers, and go back to bed.  Whats the point of having dreams, goals, things you look forward to?

Third Times a Charm?

And so, the two-week wait begins.  We did our third (and hopefully final IUI) last week.  So far, everything is looking great!  Jason’s numbers just keep going up, my body always reacts really well to the medicines and I have two mature follicles ready to go, and overall I’m just happy. The NP from the reproductive clinic wants me to take progesterone with this cycle, so in case a pregnancy happens, I will be on that med until 10 weeks.  If not, well then we will start over.

A Little Unsteady

 

Normally, when I sit and write an entry, I just let my mind wander, and wherever it goes, it goes.  Today, I feel different though.  I had almost an entire post written, and honestly, it just didn’t go where I wanted it to go, and it didn’t convey the emotions that I am feeling.

Yesterday, during the church Easter service, the band played “Unsteady” by X Ambassadors.  This is a song that has been on my mind recently, and I’m really glad they incorporated it into their service.